From: Y Date: May 15, 2011 7:18:12 PM EDT To: X Subject:Mother
I happen to feel it’s ludicrous for you and my mother to conspire to say that I’ll never get better. Did you ever think to say to her, “And oh by the way he feels zero support and zero affection for you. I’m his lover, we might as well be married, and the fact that you aren’t open to these things is excruciating for him. So that may have something to do with his lack of mental progress over the years!”
Of course you probably feel it’s not your place to say these things. So why did you share the other shit?!
From: Y Subject: i see you are in a new relationship Date: May 5, 2011 4:08:28 AM EDT To: X
————————- From: X Subject: Re: i see you are in a new relationship Date: May 5, 2011 12:57:58 PM EDT To: Y
I’m seeing someone, what of it?
————————-
From: Y Subject: Re: i see you are in a new relationship Date: May 5, 2011 6:41:32 PM EDT To: X
This message overflowed with your usual kindness and concern:
On May 5, 2011, at 12:57 PM, X wrote: I’m seeing someone, what of it?
No matter what you may think or how you may now view our many years together, I loved you deeply. You were the most important thing in my life.
As you’ve noted, that was not enough to overcome my fundamental depression and overall misery at being alive.
I’m sure you have found somebody pleasant, with a steady job, and whom you’re happy to see. Unlike me who brought you down.
But: I had value. I am honest. I have a clear view of the world. I am intellectually rigorous, by which I mean I examine myself and the claims of others to weed out the irrational. Sadly, i have not been able to use reason to overcome my pessimistic view of life. But I have left behind many fears and prejudices that I once had, including religion.
I do not think there are many people with a mind like me and I thought in you I had found someone who would stand with me no matter what. I am forever broken.
————————- From: Y Subject: So sad Date: May 6, 2011 12:32:37 AM EDT To: X
i noticed tonight that my ex’s facebook page says he is “in a relationship.”* shortly thereafter i defriended him. it’s not good for me to follow his life post-me.
i don’t want to wake up tomorrow. i just want to drink myself to death right now.
look, friends (and i really should never have given this web address to friends in the first place): this is what this blog is for! wallowing in emotion is the order of the day.
“uncertainty” because i really do not know anything. a few weeks ago X told me he had deleted another online profile because of unwanted attention. of course it could actually be the case that he deleted said profile because he had already entered into another relationship. anything is possible. X has never been exceptionally honest.
another thing which confused me recently is that when my mom invited X to her house for Easter (don’t ask!) he said he’d be at the beach and even attending church that day. well, since he and i were longstanding atheists i really wondered WTF that was about. i texted him several times to ask about it and never received a response.
• • •
I had a nice night tonight with great people. Earlier I had a great time at Art Walk and saw some cool stuff and talked to an interesting artist. Still, this makes me feel pretty shitty.
• • •
* also, i don’t think his facebook page ever said “in a relationship” when he was with me.
no. not really. but last entry i declared that therapy was not the same as real reflection. i also stated that i was an adept socializer. (not to be confused with a socialist!) for me it is very hard to speak to someone for an hour and not try at all to be charming. (“charming” is a funny word to me. i remember when i was about to spend more time than i had ever before with my estranged father, my mother said of her ex-husband, “oh, he’s charming,” like i was about to be seduced by the devil!†) so what i’m trying to say is that it is awfully difficult for me to not try to be friendly. i can think of several topics i never really broached (breeched?) with therapists because i thought they were just too shameful. i can hear someone on the outside patronizingly saying, “well, duh! you’re never going to get better if you cannot even be honest in therapy!” but i would just say, to defend myself, that i know many people who i don’t think are ever really honest to themselves. so, it’s hard. i think i am brutally honest with myself — which makes it that much harder to imagine bringing up certain things in therapy. i mean, i think to myself, nobody admits this stuff!
yesterday i eschewed capitalization and paragraphs. not today i guess.
in college i actually entertained the idea that my therapist liked me too much. there were just things she did which led me to that conclusion. perhaps i’ll get into it at another time. also, the therapy relationship retains some of the structures of any other relationship, i’ve found. which means that sessions often begin with small talk. if i ever had something i really wanted to get into and talk about i often found myself brushing off some introductory questions on the part of the doctor. i might even say, “by asking me that question you potentially direct several minutes of the session down a road i’m not interested in pursuing right now. this is what’s on my mind: …” aww… can you tell i miss therapy? i was good at it! but is that good? as usual, i don’t know.
† Since I mentioned the tension between my mother and father, and I know that is something I have written about before, I have decided to inaugurate a new section of archival material within this blog.
it’s hard to get into the habit of writing. when i first went away to college someone gave me a diary (journal?) which i kept semi-regularly. then i stopped. i stopped when it seemed that the mere act of chronicling reflecting contributed to a sad mood. then i could go back and reread especially emotional entries (happy or sad) and that was also difficult. so i gave up real reflection i think. or i traded it in for therapy, which is not real reflection. or it often is not in my case. it’s all my fault because i knew the biggest flaws in me and did not fix them. it’s one thing to say X wasn’t enough ______ or ______; or that he was too much ______.* but it’s all on me, really. [*= these were even things he said as evidence that we weren’t right for each other {“you need someone less ____ or more ____!”} and i thought, but no, that’s not the way these things work. nobody’s perfect and what matters is commitment. oh well.] i could always say (then and now) that i’m working on {my flaws} — but am i? really? i don’t really know. i think i’ve learned a lot in my many years of personal reflection. i think i’ve learned how to better get along with other people, both inwardly and outwardly. by which i mean: i feel less inner tumult in relation to others and i have become quite adept at socializing. (not sure how that sounds… shallow? well, alls i know is that it does not come easily to everyone so i have to take my achievements when i can find ’em!) <- that’s another reason the dissolution of my marriage hurts even more. i had taken comfort in thinking, well my life’s progress is still remedial in most areas, but at least i’ve finally learned to be a loving homosexual in a real lasting relationship! :(
I posted this to Facebook. I wonder how people will take it.
Note:
I am a mess. My life is endangered. (Don’t call this dramatic, just listen.) There are things I must do which I continually put off, some things for years and years. So, I’m putting myself on restriction! I am not allowed to go out or talk on the phone during times I’ve devoted to work. Friends are invited to drop by, check on my progress or even lend a hand (hint!) — but I’m drastically reducing my socializing outside the house. Until the move and/or things get much better.
i have to be willing to accept the possibility that it’s all my fault. of course it is. or has to be. because i’m the only one i can control and why would i want to go around blaming someone else for my troubles? i guess it must be comforting. good things come from gods and angels, bad things from devils and demons. never from self. is X. a devil? sort of. but it’s all me. how did i like him and how did i not? from the first moment i thought he was a little weird looking. but i also thought he was better looking than anyone else whose eye i had caught in years. he had a nice skinny body which means a lot to me. yes, i’m a fat man who could never be with someone any bigger than myself. there was a lot i didn’t like or didn’t trust about him, but i’m naturally honest trusting and open so time wiped those cares away. i had friends who warned me away from him, i recall now. but it meant very little to me. i mean, sure, coincidentally he left after the money had run out — and i think that if there were still lots of dollars flowing that we’d probably still be together. But that’s not the same as saying that it was all about the benjamins! money is a terrific lubricant. there are other things which could have kept a flagging relationship together: children, marriage, social and family acceptance. in many ways, it’s a wonder that we were able to remain together as long as we did considering the lack of supports in place.
i have very few supports in place for my own life. i really do feel very little for my family members. i feel as though i could turn into M. and suddenly become all confrontational with everybody. it seems like one of the few remaining “schemes” to accomplish a major change in life.
my time is past. i hang with ppl much younger than myself and i think of myself as if i were in my twenties! (whatever that means! — i can think of a few things it means but don’t want to spell it out in black and white right now. but, what the hell, why not? i say so many other things that are embarrassing!) when considering people to date i mostly look at guys in their twenties. i wish that i could somehow be put into an internship or taken under someone’s wing as if i were in my twenties. the people i enjoy are that age. it would probably be good for me to meet some people who are older that i like. usually i do not like people my age and older.
[at other times i have touted my skills at relating to children. right now i am “babysitting” a 3 and 7 year-old. but i’m just as bad as any lazy parent i’ve ever criticized. i absolutely just want them to shut up and leave me alone! they talk to me, run around, scream, etc. and i just want them to disappear!]
i don’t know what i want out of life, if anything at all.
[i think i’m going to make an ‘executive decision’ for this post not to use capital letters. it’s simply faster that way.]
with most major aspects of life there are a million ways to approach it and to present it. when one writes a frame is put on something and that frame can (and usually does) completely alter the content. the medium is the message. mcluhan‘s quote is usually applied to mass media (and though the internet is available to all i have no delusions about the potential size of my audience) — but i can recall many times where worrying about the medium (font, size, color, format) preoccupied me beyond what i intended to write.
i’m fifteen posts into this new ‘feeling-blog’ and not sure if i’ve posted anything real yet. over on facebook and twitter the medium really is the message. or at least it changes my message. ugh. i’m frustrated with my words right now (WriteNow!). facebook, tumblr and twitter encourage brevity. and images. that’s not what i’m going for here.
damn i sure do hate to really write. this is all meta so far…..
i am in limboland. it must look odd to everyone but me — and certainly to the bank! — how i can go to sleep every day in a house i do not make payments on. and somehow i shrug off the sword of damocles over me.
i feel exposed just writing that. it’s old news to me. and to a few who know me well. but i can imagine it not sitting well with others.
i like waking up in the house which i once loved and having my dog with me (cuz he is just soo sweeeeet) and knowing where things are and that i can let the dog out into the backyard, feed the cat, cook… i like my dishwasher. i like my refrigerator. at the new place i am supposed to be moving into i do not like my dishwasher and the refrigerator is broken. and, oh yeah — the new place i’ll live means giving up my dog!
i have very little money. i’d be curious to know how much i spend per day, but it would be hard to compute. today i spent around $50, but that is because i put gas into the car i borrowed and i purchased toilet paper, beer, and two things for my mother at the grocery store. most days i do not spend any money or i keep it under $10. (that’s not counting, of course, the daily expenses of electricity, iphone use, and the house payment i’m not making.) i eat leftovers if i have them. i also make frequent use of pasta, bread, cheese, pb&j, and meats on sale. then i have friends and family who occasionally treat me to meals. and i make do. and none of it perturbs me that much.
take it! take another little piece of my heart now baby!
i think janis is talking to one particular lover who keeps taking pieces of her heart away from her. but the way that phrasing is the most meaningful to me is that each successive event, subsequent heartbreak and disappointment lessens my heart. i get more numb. to the point where i wonder where my heart and emotion is? or if there is any left.
i loved X. (my ex-) in a totally different way than i had loved any that came before. in many ways less. in some ways more. i do not know if i have or am capable of passion anymore.
i am more comfortable in my limbo because i do not believe that i have much of a future to look forward to. normally i do not allow myself to even consider such things. i just go about my (limited, meager) business. my business tends to only involve whatever a small group of people ask me to do. in 5 minutes i will quit writing because my neighbor called and asked me to go next door when her children are dropped off and wait with them until she and her husband get home. i’m fine with this. i like kids. and i’m sure i’ll get some drinking and tv out of it. i mean, it’s not necessary about quid pro quo, i’m just explaining that i do what some people ask me to do and i get something out of that. but there’s not a whole lot more to my life right now. (ever?)
i tend to wait for others to make requests of me, to which i normally comply. the man i was with for 7+ years complimented me first. it was the first decent compliment i had gotten since my previous relationship had ended. (at least, from someone that i could tolerate!) and that’s the way things work.
speaking of work: i also work, very occasionally, when another friend calls and asks me to fill in at her shop. and when another friend calls and asks me to fill in for her hosting one of two weekly trivia nights. we’re talking $50 bucks-at-a-time, here. and somehow that’s all i do.
but i’m comfortable doing nothing. and going nowhere. because i do not believe there is a future yet to come for me.
well, gotta go watch kids.
one last piece of META: this did not turn out the way i wanted it too.
*even though he probably is not interested in getting back with me.
I’m writing tonight in an attempt to establish the habit and build on what I wrote last night. It is my intention to write this (while I’m listening to classical on NPR — I want to call it “Music Through the Night” although it’s not that, if that program even exists anymore) and then shut off everything and go to sleep. We’ll see. (I’m even using Flux to artificially change the light output of my iMac’s screen for night-time.)
Tonight I went out with M., my quiescent blogmate, to watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race at the local gay establishment. Continue reading →
some thinks gone wrong 