Mother

Begin forwarded message:

From: Y
Date: May 15, 2011 7:18:12 PM EDT
To: X
Subject: Mother

I happen to feel it’s ludicrous for you and my mother to conspire to say that I’ll never get better. Did you ever think to say to her, “And oh by the way he feels zero support and zero affection for you. I’m his lover, we might as well be married, and the fact that you aren’t open to these things is excruciating for him. So that may have something to do with his lack of mental progress over the years!”

Of course you probably feel it’s not your place to say these things. So why did you share the other shit?!

certainty

to follow up on the previous post…

From:   Y
Subject: i see you are in a new relationship
Date: May 5, 2011 4:08:28 AM EDT
To:   X
————————-
From:   X
Subject: Re: i see you are in a new relationship
Date: May 5, 2011 12:57:58 PM EDT
To:  Y

I’m seeing someone, what of it?
————————-

From:  Y
Subject: Re: i see you are in a new relationship
Date: May 5, 2011 6:41:32 PM EDT
To:  X

This message overflowed with your usual kindness and concern:

On May 5, 2011, at 12:57 PM, X wrote:
I’m seeing someone, what of it?

No matter what you may think or how you may now view our many years together, I loved you deeply. You were the most important thing in my life.

As you’ve noted, that was not enough to overcome my fundamental depression and overall misery at being alive.

I’m sure you have found somebody pleasant, with a steady job, and whom you’re happy to see. Unlike me who brought you down.

But: I had value. I am honest. I have a clear view of the world. I am intellectually rigorous, by which I mean I examine myself and the claims of others to weed out the irrational. Sadly, i have not been able to use reason to overcome my pessimistic view of life. But I have left behind many fears and prejudices that I once had, including religion.

I do not think there are many people with a mind like me and I thought in you I had found someone who would stand with me no matter what. I am forever broken.
————————-
From:   Y
Subject: So sad
Date: May 6, 2011 12:32:37 AM EDT
To:   X

You erased all your feelings for me

uncertainty

i noticed tonight that my ex’s facebook page says he is “in a relationship.”* shortly thereafter i defriended him. it’s not good for me to follow his life post-me.

i don’t want to wake up tomorrow. i just want to drink myself to death right now.

look, friends (and i really should never have given this web address to friends in the first place): this is what this blog is for! wallowing in emotion is the order of the day.

“uncertainty” because i really do not know anything. a few weeks ago X told me he had deleted another online profile because of unwanted attention. of course it could actually be the case that he deleted said profile because he had already entered into another relationship. anything is possible. X has never been exceptionally honest.

another thing which confused me recently is that when my mom invited X to her house for Easter (don’t ask!) he said he’d be at the beach and even attending church that day. well, since he and i were longstanding atheists i really wondered WTF that was about. i texted him several times to ask about it and never received a response.

• • •

I had a nice night tonight with great people. Earlier I had a great time at Art Walk and saw some cool stuff and talked to an interesting artist. Still, this makes me feel pretty shitty.

• • •

* also, i don’t think his facebook page ever said “in a relationship” when he was with me.

it’s all my fault

it’s hard to get into the habit of writing. when i first went away to college someone gave me a diary (journal?) which i kept semi-regularly. then i stopped. i stopped when it seemed that the mere act of chronicling reflecting contributed to a sad mood. then i could go back and reread especially emotional entries (happy or sad) and that was also difficult. so i gave up real reflection i think. or i traded it in for therapy, which is not real reflection. or it often is not in my case. it’s all my fault because i knew the biggest flaws in me and did not fix them. it’s one thing to say X wasn’t enough ______ or ______; or that he was too much ______.* but it’s all on me, really. [*= these were even things he said as evidence that we weren’t right for each other {“you need someone less ____ or more ____!”} and i thought, but no, that’s not the way these things work. nobody’s perfect and what matters is commitment. oh well.] i could always say (then and now) that i’m working on {my flaws} — but am i? really? i don’t really know. i think i’ve learned a lot in my many years of personal reflection. i think i’ve learned how to better get along with other people, both inwardly and outwardly. by which i mean: i feel less inner tumult in relation to others and i have become quite adept at socializing. (not sure how that sounds… shallow? well, alls i know is that it does not come easily to everyone so i have to take my achievements when i can find ’em!) <- that’s another reason the dissolution of my marriage hurts even more. i had taken comfort in thinking, well my life’s progress is still remedial in most areas, but at least i’ve finally learned to be a loving homosexual in a real lasting relationship! :(

maybe he’s right, maybe there is something the matter with me

i have to be willing to accept the possibility that it’s all my fault. of course it is. or has to be. because i’m the only one i can control and why would i want to go around blaming someone else for my troubles? i guess it must be comforting. good things come from gods and angels, bad things from devils and demons. never from self. is X. a devil? sort of. but it’s all me. how did i like him and how did i not? from the first moment i thought he was a little weird looking. but i also thought he was better looking than anyone else whose eye i had caught in years. he had a nice skinny body which means a lot to me. yes, i’m a fat man who could never be with someone any bigger than myself. there was a lot i didn’t like or didn’t trust about him, but i’m naturally honest trusting and open so time wiped those cares away. i had friends who warned me away from him, i recall now. but it meant very little to me. i mean, sure, coincidentally he left after the money had run out — and i think that if there were still lots of dollars flowing that we’d probably still be together. But that’s not the same as saying that it was all about the benjamins! money is a terrific lubricant. there are other things which could have kept a flagging relationship together: children, marriage, social and family acceptance. in many ways, it’s a wonder that we were able to remain together as long as we did considering the lack of supports in place.

i have very few supports in place for my own life. i really do feel very little for my family members. i feel as though i could turn into M. and suddenly become all confrontational with everybody. it seems like one of the few remaining “schemes” to accomplish a major change in life.

my time is past. i hang with ppl much younger than myself and i think of myself as if i were in my twenties! (whatever that means! — i can think of a few things it means but don’t want to spell it out in black and white right now. but, what the hell, why not? i say so many other things that are embarrassing!) when considering people to date i mostly look at guys in their twenties. i wish that i could somehow be put into an internship or taken under someone’s wing as if i were in my twenties. the people i enjoy are that age. it would probably be good for me to meet some people who are older that i like. usually i do not like people my age and older.

[at other times i have touted my skills at relating to children. right now i am “babysitting” a 3 and 7 year-old. but i’m just as bad as any lazy parent i’ve ever criticized. i absolutely just want them to shut up and leave me alone! they talk to me, run around, scream, etc. and i just want them to disappear!]

i don’t know what i want out of life, if anything at all.

need some advice

ok, so i joined okcupid and it’s so appealing because the pace is so slow and you can read up on ppl and “get to know them” before you even meet them… and so far i’ve had like no interest directed at me. meanwhile, in the real world, a guy wanted me to go home with him tonight and…………..

I don’t know. I need some advice.

why i would still be willing to get back with my ex*

*even though he probably is not interested in getting back with me.

I’m writing tonight in an attempt to establish the habit and build on what I wrote last night. It is my intention to write this (while I’m listening to classical on NPR — I want to call it “Music Through the Night” although it’s not that, if that program even exists anymore) and then shut off everything and go to sleep. We’ll see. (I’m even using Flux to artificially change the light output of my iMac’s screen for night-time.)

Tonight I went out with M., my quiescent blogmate, to watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race at the local gay establishment.