limboland

[i think i’m going to make an ‘executive decision’ for this post not to use capital letters. it’s simply faster that way.]

with most major aspects of life there are a million ways to approach it and to present it. when one writes a frame is put on something and that frame can (and usually does) completely alter the content. the medium is the message. mcluhan‘s quote is usually applied to mass media (and though the internet is available to all i have no delusions about the potential size of my audience) — but i can recall many times  where worrying about the medium (font, size, color, format) preoccupied me beyond what i intended to write.

i’m fifteen posts into this new ‘feeling-blog’ and not sure if i’ve posted anything real yet. over on facebook and twitter the medium really is the message. or at least it changes my message. ugh. i’m frustrated with my words right now (WriteNow!).  facebook, tumblr and twitter encourage brevity. and images. that’s not what i’m going for here.

damn i sure do hate to really write. this is all meta so far…..

i am in limboland. it must look odd to everyone but me — and certainly to the bank! — how i can go to sleep every day in a house i do not make payments on. and somehow i shrug off the sword of damocles over me.

i feel exposed just writing that. it’s old news to me. and to a few who know me well. but i can imagine it not sitting well with others.

i like waking up in the house which i once loved and having my dog with me (cuz he is just soo sweeeeet) and knowing where things are and that i can let the dog out into the backyard, feed the cat, cook… i like my dishwasher. i like my refrigerator. at the new place i am supposed to be moving into i do not like my dishwasher and the refrigerator is broken. and, oh yeah — the new place i’ll live means giving up my dog!

i have very little money. i’d be curious to know how much i spend per day, but it would be hard to compute. today i spent around $50, but that is because i put gas into the car i borrowed and i purchased toilet paper, beer, and two things for my mother at the grocery store. most days i do not spend any money or i keep it under $10. (that’s not counting, of course, the daily expenses of electricity, iphone use, and the house payment i’m not making.) i eat leftovers if i have them. i also make frequent use of pasta, bread, cheese, pb&j, and meats on sale. then i have friends and family who occasionally treat me to meals. and i make do. and none of it perturbs me that much.

take it! take another little piece of my heart now baby!

i think janis is talking to one particular lover who keeps taking pieces of her heart away from her. but the way that phrasing is the most meaningful to me is that each successive event, subsequent heartbreak and disappointment lessens my heart. i get more numb. to the point where i wonder where my heart and emotion is? or if there is any left.

i loved X. (my ex-) in a totally different way than i had loved any that came before. in many ways less. in some ways more. i do not know if i have or am capable of passion anymore.

i am more comfortable in my limbo because i do not believe that i have much of a future to look forward to. normally i do not allow myself to even consider such things. i just go about my (limited, meager) business. my business tends to only involve whatever a small group of people ask me to do. in 5 minutes i will quit writing because my neighbor called and asked me to go next door when her children are dropped off and wait with them until she and her husband get home. i’m fine with this. i like kids. and i’m sure i’ll get some drinking and tv out of it. i mean, it’s not necessary about quid pro quo, i’m just explaining that i do what some people ask me to do and i get something out of that. but there’s not a whole lot more to my life right now. (ever?)

i tend to wait for others to make requests of me, to which i normally comply. the man i was with for 7+ years complimented me first. it was the first decent compliment i had gotten since my previous relationship had ended. (at least, from someone that i could tolerate!) and that’s the way things work.

speaking of work: i also work, very occasionally, when another friend calls and asks me to fill in at her shop. and when another friend calls and asks me to fill in for her hosting one of two weekly trivia nights. we’re talking $50 bucks-at-a-time, here. and somehow that’s all i do.

but i’m comfortable doing nothing. and going nowhere. because i do not believe there is a future yet to come for me.

well, gotta go watch kids.

one last piece of META:  this did not turn out the way i wanted it too.