i have to be willing to accept the possibility that it’s all my fault. of course it is. or has to be. because i’m the only one i can control and why would i want to go around blaming someone else for my troubles? i guess it must be comforting. good things come from gods and angels, bad things from devils and demons. never from self. is X. a devil? sort of. but it’s all me. how did i like him and how did i not? from the first moment i thought he was a little weird looking. but i also thought he was better looking than anyone else whose eye i had caught in years. he had a nice skinny body which means a lot to me. yes, i’m a fat man who could never be with someone any bigger than myself. there was a lot i didn’t like or didn’t trust about him, but i’m naturally honest trusting and open so time wiped those cares away. i had friends who warned me away from him, i recall now. but it meant very little to me. i mean, sure, coincidentally he left after the money had run out — and i think that if there were still lots of dollars flowing that we’d probably still be together. But that’s not the same as saying that it was all about the benjamins! money is a terrific lubricant. there are other things which could have kept a flagging relationship together: children, marriage, social and family acceptance. in many ways, it’s a wonder that we were able to remain together as long as we did considering the lack of supports in place.
i have very few supports in place for my own life. i really do feel very little for my family members. i feel as though i could turn into M. and suddenly become all confrontational with everybody. it seems like one of the few remaining “schemes” to accomplish a major change in life.
my time is past. i hang with ppl much younger than myself and i think of myself as if i were in my twenties! (whatever that means! — i can think of a few things it means but don’t want to spell it out in black and white right now. but, what the hell, why not? i say so many other things that are embarrassing!) when considering people to date i mostly look at guys in their twenties. i wish that i could somehow be put into an internship or taken under someone’s wing as if i were in my twenties. the people i enjoy are that age. it would probably be good for me to meet some people who are older that i like. usually i do not like people my age and older.
[at other times i have touted my skills at relating to children. right now i am “babysitting” a 3 and 7 year-old. but i’m just as bad as any lazy parent i’ve ever criticized. i absolutely just want them to shut up and leave me alone! they talk to me, run around, scream, etc. and i just want them to disappear!]
i don’t know what i want out of life, if anything at all.
some thinks gone wrong 